It is only happenstance that I came across this chat of ours 2 months after I lost my father and was still grieving. I was searching for a certain 'epitaph' with the same keyword and this showed up. I wish we could chat again. I wish I could meet you again. I have been a coward and haven't been able to get in touch with your mother in two years now. I'm sorry.
9:54 PM me: hellow!
10:10 PM ranit: hi
me: jegey utley naki?
ranit: went for bath
10:11 PM me: ok
r ki hocche
ranit: kal mumbai jachhi
10:12 PM me: did u hear frm doc?
ranit: not yet
10:13 PM i'm just following a prescheduled appt for follow-up check up on tuesday
hope to meet him then
me: oh ok
ranit: meanwhile fmo has sent a fax to tmc
me: this is strange that nobody replied
ranit: hope that does some work
10:14 PM wats fmo?
ranit: fm office
sorry for being so dull!
ranit: uff finance ministry
10:15 PM sorry! matha ta gechey :(
ranit: dr dcruz was supposed to have been busy with an internation seminar in mumbai till yesterday
let's hope he sees my mail now
me: yeah fingers crossed
10:16 PM ke jachhey shathey?
10:17 PM and that girld who stays with us
thakbe kothai? thik achey?
ranit: friend's place
10:18 PM he has a 3 room flat in navi mumbai n stays alone
n u hv to go worli for check-ups?
me: oh ok
10:19 PM u wl need a car too
10:20 PM me: ofc kemon cholchey?
ranit: er modhye jaini
mostly stuck at home
me: r u settled in cal ofc yet?
10:21 PM me: oh why stuck? r u also in physical miscomfort
nayway tell me only if u feel like
ranit: i just hv an optimum breathing capacity right nw
10:24 PM shabdhaney jeo n hope you come back with something positive :)
hope for the best, as they say!
me: u hv bn sounding pretty pessimistic in ur fb updates
dont do that plz
10:25 PM ranit: freedom and bronchoscopy?
10:26 PM nah the one abt koto ki korar baki chilo
ranit: that was an update
me: bajey update :(
time is just a state of mind
ranit: cant help...but datz hw i feel right nw
10:27 PM me: ami 100 yrs banchleo koto tuku kortey parbo is doubtful
ranit: no point pretending i'm not
me: n i am not the only person to not acieve anything in say a 100 yrs of living
ranit: thanks but no consolation
me: no one is pretending
i just said its a pessimistic view of life
10:28 PM sukumar roy 40 yrs ey ja korey gechen amra 400 yrs eo ta korbo ki na jani na
shetai bola-r cheshta krochi
ranit: n i've done nothing by 40
me: neither hv i!
10:29 PM if u rem i told u to write a book two yrs ago
ranit: u may at least age n ripen normally n learn to accept things as they come...it not the same fr me
10:30 PM me: shei
who knws how long i wl live
i feel scared saying this becos i hv a child on me. thank urself u dont hv a responsibility like that. isnt that a positive thought?
10:31 PM ranit: PAULA AT LEAST A 100PPL HAVE TOLD ME THAT...'WHO KNOWS HOW LONG WE SHALL LIVE' ETC ETC...BUT TRUST ME THAT'S NO CONSOLATION
me: i am not trying to console you, ranit
10:32 PM i think i need more consolation than u, given that i hv no parent alive! do u realise how helpless i feel?
i am just trying to help u cheer up n make each moment rewarding/ satisfying in some way. thats soemthing only u can do
10:33 PM perhaps make each moment memorable for your mother
ranit: do realise how my mother will be devastated after i'm gone?
me: yes she will be
thats why do watever is within your reach
dont feel sorry for urself, plz!
10:34 PM koshto pachcho physically, but make it smooth for who ever u leave behind
i am being crude but honest
ranit: honestly, i cant even help that...we're born to live, not to die
thats why we are human
10:35 PM ranit: even a dog wants to live
me: yeah thats a natural instinct
sorry, wat i meant is - thats why we r animals at the end of the day
10:36 PM ranit: do one thing...stop inhaling after u've exhaled...u will know how much u wanna live :)
me: u r being idealist again
ranit: no itz true
me: when i am asking u to be practical
10:37 PM i dont deny the veracity of wat u say
just trying to show u the other picture too!
10:38 PM ranit: the other is darkness....in which u can see no picture
me: thik achey, if thats the way u want things to be
10:40 PM ok on another note, just wanted to tell you that i really appreciated your help during my father's last rite. if for nothign else, i will rem you for that always! :-) i understand it wasnt easy for you to travel all the way just to accept the offering that evening
10:41 PM ranit: so let it ben written
so let it be done
so let it be done
10:42 PM me: done what?
ranit: nothing....u sounded like u were writing an epitaph :)
10:43 PM me: epic-tough!
10:44 PM me: amar life ta jeno purotai flashback ey cholchey
10:45 PM nothing much to appreciate/ remember in the present
needless to say, the future looks hazy
10:50 PM ranit: only the present is inevitable
the future isn't
10:51 PM me: ki jani
10:52 PM i amm going thru weird emotions these days n i cant even express them
10:53 PM ranit: n why?
10:54 PM i feel confused if i try to think abt my life in the past. at times i try too hard to rem how it felt when ma touched me or even her smell. i often rem how baba's eyes were or his fingers
10:55 PM you know these lil details you take for granted in a day-to-day life are coming back to haunt me
ranit: it's not unnatural
me: n when i go thru these motions, i feel i am losing my mental stability
10:56 PM ranit: but at least u have urself and ur posterity to look forward to...and life consists in looking forward
me: i find it tough to look fwd
i am forever looking at my past n trying to relive those moments
10:57 PM ranit: but u r also doing things for urself n ur daughter
me: doing what?
10:58 PM the daily chores r more in auto mode
ranit: living...breathing...helping her breathe
me: thats not a conscious effort
10:59 PM ranit: it's not an automode...don't get me wrong...but u'll know how much ur grief will be outweighed if something happens to mehuli
me: no memories to chresih on how i breathes n helped mehuli breathe
yeah i knw wat u mean
its like i hold on to my sanity just for her
11:00 PM if i didnt have her in my life, it wud hv been so much more tougher to go thru these days
ranit: dont talk of her as an occasion...ask urself and u'll know she is much more than that for u
11:01 PM me: she is all i hv in the world, other than rion, didi and golu!
n of course there is a particular order in which they come
ranit: so u have a lot...and u have urself that has all these
11:02 PM me: myself, yes. i feel i am responsible for making mehuli self-sufficient n independent so that one day she can face the world by herlself. so everything i do on a daily basis is geared towards this ultimate objective
11:03 PM ranit: so u see u have a lot... not just memories to live with
11:04 PM me: ha! i knew this was coming
but the fact remains that i too hv my own demons to fight
11:06 PM anyway ranit i think i wl go to bed nw
11:07 PM its past 11 pm here n i hv had a headache all day
kal thekey abar judhho shuru monday morning er
tk cr of yourself n i am sure i wl catch u online wherever u r
11:08 PM HUGS and besh wishes always!
ranit: at u have the wherewithal to remain the fighter
me: yeah i am luckier than you. agreed!
11:09 PM but i wud love to share my luck/ strength with you in any way possible
ranit: which is why those updates
me: n part of the deal is you have to think positive
good. i am glad for the upward curve on your face
11:10 PM ranit: may be they'll come once i've exhausted the negative ones...
me: i look fwd to that day!
ranit: hope i can walk that far thogh
me: you will. keep the faith
11:11 PM enjoy the rest of the sunday n i wl catch u online soon
ranit: u 2
11:36 PM me: rion is onlien n we r talking. so i am still online - fyi!
11:37 PM me: in case u r wondering why i ended our conv n still online! :)
11:39 PM ranit: i stopped letting my thoughts wander
11:40 PM me: bah