Saturday, 8 November 2014

Reaching out...

Dear Ranit,

It is only happenstance that I came across this chat of ours 2 months after I lost my father and was still grieving. I was searching for a certain 'epitaph' with the same keyword and this showed up. I wish we could chat again. I wish I could meet you again. I have been a coward and haven't been able to get in touch with your mother in two years now. I'm sorry.

ranit mukherji

to me
9:54 PM me: hellow!

15 minutes
10:10 PM ranit: hi
 me: jegey utley naki?
 ranit: went for bath
10:11 PM me: ok
  r ki hocche
 ranit: kal mumbai jachhi
10:12 PM me: did u hear frm doc?
 ranit: not yet
10:13 PM i'm just following a prescheduled appt for follow-up check up on tuesday
  hope to meet him then
 me: oh ok
 ranit: meanwhile fmo has sent a fax to tmc
 me: this is strange that nobody replied
 ranit: hope that does some work
 me: ok
10:14 PM wats fmo?
 ranit: fm office
 me: fm?
  sorry for being so dull!
 ranit: uff finance ministry
 me: ok
10:15 PM sorry! matha ta gechey :(
 ranit: dr dcruz was supposed to have been busy with an internation seminar in mumbai till yesterday
  let's hope he sees my mail now
 me: yeah fingers crossed
10:16 PM ke jachhey shathey?
 ranit: ma
10:17 PM and that girld who stays with us
 me: ok
  thakbe kothai? thik achey?
 ranit: friend's place
10:18 PM he has a 3 room flat in navi mumbai n stays alone
 me: ok
  n u hv to go worli for check-ups?
 ranit: parel
 me: oh ok
10:19 PM u wl need a car too
 ranit: yeah...
10:20 PM me: ofc kemon cholchey?
 ranit: er modhye jaini
  mostly stuck at home
 me: r u settled in cal ofc yet?
 ranit: kinda
10:21 PM me: oh why stuck? r u also in physical miscomfort
  nayway tell me only if u feel like
 ranit: i just hv an optimum breathing capacity right nw
 me: ok
10:24 PM shabdhaney jeo n hope you come back with something positive :)
  hope for the best, as they say!
 ranit: yeah
 me: u hv bn sounding pretty pessimistic in ur fb updates
  dont do that plz
10:25 PM ranit: freedom and bronchoscopy?
 me: huh?
10:26 PM nah the one abt koto ki korar baki chilo
 ranit: that was an update
 me: bajey update :(
  time is just a state of mind
 ranit: cant help...but datz hw i feel right nw
10:27 PM me: ami 100 yrs banchleo koto tuku kortey parbo is doubtful
 ranit: no point pretending i'm not
 me: n i am not the only person to not acieve anything in say a 100 yrs of living
 ranit: thanks but no consolation
 me: no one is pretending
  i just said its a pessimistic view of life
10:28 PM sukumar roy 40 yrs ey ja korey gechen amra 400 yrs eo ta korbo ki na jani na
  shetai bola-r cheshta krochi
 ranit: n i've done nothing by 40
 me: neither hv i!
10:29 PM if u rem i told u to write a book two yrs ago
  have u?
 ranit: u may at least age n ripen normally n learn to accept things as they not the same fr me
10:30 PM me: shei
  who knws how long i wl live
  i feel scared saying this becos i hv a child on me. thank urself u dont hv a responsibility like that. isnt that a positive thought?
 me: i am not trying to console you, ranit
10:32 PM i think i need more consolation than u, given that i hv no parent alive! do u realise how helpless i feel?
  i am just trying to help u cheer up n make each moment rewarding/ satisfying in some way. thats soemthing only u can do
10:33 PM perhaps make each moment memorable for your mother
 ranit: do realise how my mother will be devastated after i'm gone?
 me: yes she will be
  thats why do watever is within your reach
  dont feel sorry for urself, plz!
10:34 PM koshto pachcho physically, but make it smooth for who ever u leave behind
  i am being crude but honest
 ranit: honestly, i cant even help that...we're born to live, not to die
 me: true
  thats why we are human
10:35 PM ranit: even a dog wants to live
 me: yeah thats a natural instinct
  sorry, wat i meant is - thats why we r animals at the end of the day
10:36 PM ranit: do one thing...stop inhaling after u've exhaled...u will know how much u wanna live :)
 me: u r being idealist again
 ranit: no itz true
 me: when i am asking u to be practical
10:37 PM i dont deny the veracity of wat u say
  just trying to show u the other picture too!
10:38 PM ranit: the other is which u can see no picture
 me: thik achey, if thats the way u want things to be
10:40 PM ok on another note, just wanted to tell you that i really appreciated your help during my father's last rite. if for nothign else, i will rem you for that always! :-) i understand it wasnt easy for you to travel all the way just to accept the offering that evening
10:41 PM ranit: so let it ben written
so let it be done
10:42 PM me: done what?
 ranit: nothing....u sounded like u were writing an epitaph :)
10:43 PM me: epic-tough!
 ranit: very
10:44 PM me: amar life ta jeno purotai flashback ey cholchey
10:45 PM nothing much to appreciate/ remember in the present
  needless to say, the future looks hazy
10:50 PM ranit: only the present is inevitable
  the future isn't
10:51 PM me: ki jani
10:52 PM i amm going thru weird emotions these days n i cant even express them
10:53 PM ranit: n why?
 me: generally
10:54 PM i feel confused if i try to think abt my life in the past. at times i try too hard to rem how it felt when ma touched me or even her smell. i often rem how baba's eyes were or his fingers
10:55 PM you know these lil details you take for granted in a day-to-day life are coming back to haunt me
 ranit: it's not unnatural
 me: n when i go thru these motions, i feel i am losing my mental stability
10:56 PM ranit: but at least u have urself and ur posterity to look forward to...and life consists in looking forward
 me: i find it tough to look fwd
  i am forever looking at my past n trying to relive those moments
10:57 PM ranit: but u r also doing things for urself n ur daughter
 me: doing what?
10:58 PM the daily chores r more in auto mode
 ranit: living...breathing...helping her breathe
 me: thats not a conscious effort
  thats involuntary
10:59 PM ranit: it's not an automode...don't get me wrong...but u'll know how much ur grief will be outweighed if something happens to mehuli
 me: no memories to chresih on how i breathes n helped mehuli breathe
  yeah i knw wat u mean
  its like i hold on to my sanity just for her
11:00 PM if i didnt have her in my life, it wud hv been so much more tougher to go thru these days
 ranit: dont talk of her as an occasion...ask urself and u'll know she is much more than that for u
11:01 PM me: she is all i hv in the world, other than rion, didi and golu!
  n of course there is a particular order in which they come
 ranit: so u have a lot...and u have urself that has all these
11:02 PM me: myself, yes. i feel i am responsible for making mehuli self-sufficient n independent so that one day she can face the world by herlself. so everything i do on a daily basis is geared towards this ultimate objective
11:03 PM ranit: so u see u have a lot... not just memories to live with
11:04 PM me: ha! i knew this was coming
  but the fact remains that i too hv my own demons to fight
11:06 PM anyway ranit i think i wl go to bed nw
11:07 PM its past 11 pm here n i hv had a headache all day
  kal thekey abar judhho shuru monday morning er
  tk cr of yourself n i am sure i wl catch u online wherever u r
11:08 PM HUGS and besh wishes always!
 ranit: at u have the wherewithal to remain the fighter
  tk cr
  *at least
 me: yeah i am luckier than you. agreed!
11:09 PM but i wud love to share my luck/ strength with you in any way possible
 ranit: which is why those updates
 me: n part of the deal is you have to think positive
  good. i am glad for the upward curve on your face
11:10 PM ranit: may be they'll come once i've exhausted the negative ones...
 me: i look fwd to that day!
 ranit: hope i can walk that far thogh
 me: you will. keep the faith
11:11 PM enjoy the rest of the sunday n i wl catch u online soon
  tk cr
 ranit: u 2

24 minutes
11:36 PM me: rion is onlien n we r talking. so i am still online - fyi!
 ranit: :)
11:37 PM me: in case u r wondering why i ended our conv n still online! :)
11:39 PM ranit: i stopped letting my thoughts wander
11:40 PM me: bah

Monday, 24 September 2012

And words fail me...

Your soul lives on through the chat messages you forced me to save.

9:17 PM me: wassup
9:18 PM came across a quote by one of your fav authors:
  "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you're looking for the meaning of life." - Albert Camus
9:19 PM hope you are good

ranit mukherji 

to me
hi...u must hv sent this when i was sleeping...camus, though a great writer, was time-bound...existentialism as a literary precept has largely lost its relevance with the petering out of the phase that followed the second world best it remains a curious study in literary and social this quote from The Stranger, which also highlights camus' nihilism and stoicism (both of which i find repulsive as lifestyles) doesn't reflect a time-traveller philosophy...if anything, it makes you a good 'Outsider'...i'm as good as i can be after my fourth chemo and 22nd cr

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Just what my heart desires

The Same Song - by Susheela Raman

How many roads have I wondered?
None, and each my own
Behind me the bridges have crumbled
No question of return

Autumn leaves like discarded dreams
trampled underneath a tide of careless feet
it’s the same song playing
everywhere I go
it’s like an army marching right through me.

Nowhere to go but the horizon
where, then, will I call my home?

Summer spent, in the high grass
or just fragments, ransacked memories
dark river snakes, across this murky hall
boatman sings his downstream melodies.

How many roads have I wondered?
None, and each my own
Behind me the bridges have crumbled
where, then, will I call my home?

Click here to listen

- Thanks very much Pratiksha for helping me tune in to this :-)

Friday, 30 September 2011

To my precious little!

Dear Mehuli,

I am your parent first, your friend second. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I do!



Thursday, 24 February 2011

Wow its 2011!

Time flies (even when you're not having fun) :)

Another year, another set of resolutions, another New Years gone by with fireworks, fun and frolic on the beach. Another rocky, tumultuous year ahead - but with its rewards (there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though its ever so faint). Another year of enforced separation, battling with depression, worrying myself sick sometimes, trying to cope and keep my chin up always. Another year where there's never enough time, but I still want time to pass in the blink of an eye. I do blink sometimes, quite often really - when I'm trying to fight the hot tears that appear out of nowhere. Great expectations for the future, and bittersweet memories. Fast forward to 2012 and beyond; rewind to 2010, 2009, 2008... Live for the moment - isn't that what they say? But its another year of biding my time, treading water and trying my damnedest to stay afloat, another year of trying to be a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter and a good sister.

God give me strength.